It Will Work Out, I Just Don't Know How

I'm not someone who typically likes to express negative emotions, at least not on this blog. I try to keep it light and fun but the truth is that sometimes life can be hard. Trails just don't end. You might go through life feeling like you're currently free of them but those moments always seem to be brief. Lately has been a little rough for me. I'm a planner. Always have been, and for me to not know what is going to happen to us this year is tough. I do know that everything will work out and turn out okay but I'd really like to know how. We have so much going on. Each individual thing is something that we could handle yet when everything is happening at the exact same time it can be so overwhelming. Which is how I have been feeling. Extremely overwhelmed. Here's just a snippet of our life right now.

- Waiting to hear back about grad school is stressful. Hopes are high, then they are low, then they are high again and it's just a big rollercoaster ride. We haven't heard back from any yet and we'd really like to. As of right now we don't know where we will be this fall. Will we be starting grad school in another state? Start school here in Utah? Or come up with another plan if grad school isn't in the books for us this year.

- Being pregnant at this time was not our plan but it's happening. Because we're still waiting on grad school I don't know if I'll be delivering this baby here in Utah this August or if it will be on the other side of the United States. Of course this baby's due date happens to fall in August when everything with grad school would be starting. To be honest I've been so caught up with stress that I haven't even been able to feel connected with this baby yet and that has been hard with my mom guilt. I want to feel excited about this new little bundle in our family but it's been hard. I keep telling myself that maybe it will come when I feel the baby move for the first time, or when we find out the gender, or maybe it will come when I find out where we will be living. I'm already in the second trimester and I've found that I still haven't told a lot of people. I want to be as happy as I was when I found out about Hudson but I'm not there yet. I will be because I have no doubt that this baby is meant to be.

- Part two of pregnancy. My other worry is trying to plan how we will transition from being a family of four to a family of five. Right now we wouldn't be able to fit our family in the vehicle we drive. With three kids in three car seats we would not be able to fit unless we purchase a minivan. The problem is that we can't afford a new vehicle. Both of our cars are paid off so having no car payments has been amazing. Well that will change once we eventually and inevitably purchase a bigger car for us. We also don't have much room in the place we live right now. We'd have to stick three kids in one bedroom which can be doable but not ideal.

- I've been so stressed about trying to figure out how we'd fit in our place if we stay in Utah and then we found out that this place isn't even going to be an option for us anymore. A big company has offered 1.8 million dollars for the storage units and this apartment and it's too good of an offer for Danny's relatives to pass up. I understand that and I don't blame them. This place isn't even worth that so I can see why they would want to accept it. This company is also paying in cash which means that the process becomes a lot shorter with them skipping all the loan steps. We have thirty days to find a new place. Danny and I have been searching daily but the problem we are running into is that we cannot commit to a year lease when we don't even know if we will be here six months from now. Out of all the things we're going through, this is the hardest. Probably because all those other little things impact this one the most. 

I'm a big time planner. It's part of my identity. I wish that I could be a go with the flow type of person but I'm really not. I'm lucky and blessed that with everything going on a problem that I do not have is marital issues. Danny and I are solid. We are in this together. The best part is that he's positive and hopeful. Which is really good when I've been an emotional wreck. I don't know how he's going through everything with a hormonal emotional pregnant wife at his side. He's a trooper and I need more of his spirit. This is our life right now. I'll repeat that I do believe everything will work out, I just wish I knew how.