Addie's Binky

Last week was Mother's Day, but this post isn't going to be about that. This post is all about a binky and about what happened to it last Sunday. If you want to spend a little while reading about a pacifier then keep reading. :)

Addisyn's binky was her world. Danny always joked that we came second on her list of 'loves' with the first spot belonging to her binky. She just had to glance at it and would always end up giggling from pure excitement. She absolutely loved it and chose it as her object of comfort. I knew the day would come where she would have to part with it but I tried to prolong it from happening anyway. I justified it by saying that she only used it for naps and bedtime but the truth is if she could see it then she would have it in her hands in an instant. We had to hide it from her in the mornings and after her naps or she would want it all day. We avoided the word 'binky' around her because she would start looking for it. We started calling it 'the green thing' but it didn't take long for her to figure out that it was code for binky. The funny thing is that she had her own code name for it; she called it her 'ah-ha'. We think it started because she would find it from our hiding places and then show us she had it while shouting "ah-ha!". She was always so proud of herself for finding it. Another possibility for the nickname could be because Danny would grab it from her hands or mouth, say "ah-ha" and then hide it from her.

This is the same binky that she's had since an infant at the hospital. I remember the morning after I had her and she was rolled into my room by the nurse with this big green pacifier in her mouth. I remember thinking how big it looked compared to her small body. We weren't planning on having a binky baby but the decision was made for us regardless of our plan. That same binky became her pride and joy.

It became so worn out and was falling apart. She recently bit a hole through the nipple from her constant chewing on it. It was starting to become a choking hazard so I knew the day had come for the binky days to end. Neither Danny or I wanted to be the one to get rid of it because we were both secretly afraid of seeing the betrayal in Addie's eyes and completely losing her trust. We decided that it would happen away from Addie's view and we would leave it where Addie would find it already broken. I was on a video call wishing my stepmom a happy Mother's Day (my parents are on missions) when Danny decided to grab the scissors and do it right then. He cut the nipple off where the hole from her chewing had formed which was practically at the base of the pacifier. I ended the call with my parents because I knew that Addie's world was about to be crushed.

We knew she would take it hard but we weren't ready to see the look of pure sadness on her face. She was so confused and let out the saddest whimper. I don't think I'll forget how I saw her lips slowly quiver to the point where she couldn't hide the devastation she was feeling anymore. This was the first time that I can recall where she cried because she was sincerely and deeply saddened. I've heard her tired cry, frustrated cry, hurt cry, hungry cry, and scared cry but this new cry was different. It broke our hearts to see her this way.

It's been a week now since she first discovered her cut up binky and she's slowly over her grief period. The first two days she would still giggle when first seeing it before stopping because she remembered her binky was no longer the same. I regret not recording her relationship with it before we cut it up. She still sleeps everyday clutching onto the little piece that's left of it which is both sad and cute. Danny thinks we should throw the whole thing away because it still makes her a little sad to see it destroyed, but I can't get myself to allow her last piece of green comfort to be thrown away.