Confession Time

Hudson has gotten into my head. It all started almost a year ago but now I fear that I'm going to live the rest of my life with some thoughts that terrify me. Tonight I finally shared them with Danny and I prefaced it with "I just need to say this out loud but I don't want to freak you out". I just needed to voice out loud my inner most deepest thought. What if there's one more? One more baby that is supposed to be here? Of course this scared Danny who said "no way, you're tired". To be fair it's almost midnight and in an hour and a half we'll be up again with both babies. We're not getting much sleep at all so he could be right. Now back to why I'm having these thoughts. 

When we first told the kids we were going to have a baby they were all pretty excited. Hudson told me it was going to be twins, a boy and a girl. I told him that it was most likely just one baby and we'll have to see what it would be. He confirmed that no it's already twins and one is a boy and one is a girl. Fast forward to the night before my first doctor's appointment. I had a dream that I was pregnant with multiples. But not twins. It was triplets. I woke up thinking not much of it and chalked it up to just being a pregnancy dream. Never did I think it was actually triplets in my belly but I did wonder "am I having twins?". At this point Hudson was still talking about twins. I go to my appointment and there's one baby on the monitor. There's one baby for the entire appointment until the very end when we were wrapping things up. The doctor had already turned the screen away and was cleaning the part of the sonogram that goes on the gel on the stomach when I asked "so you're sure there's not multiples in there?". He said he's sure and said "look" as he checks one last time. There's a second baby in there. We were all shocked. There's one thing to think of the possibility of there being another baby in there but it's another thing to confirm that yes there IS another baby in there.

I go home and tell Hudson that he was right and I was having twins, he looked at me like "duh I already know". He had been saying that the whole time. He said "yeah it's a boy and a girl". I told him that we didn't know the genders yet but he said he did and went off to play. Fast forward again to the day we find out the genders. Two girls. I was excited to tell the kids we would be welcoming two little sisters into our family. Addie was so excited and Grant didn't really know what was going on. Hudson though had no reaction. I don't remember him saying anything about it. Later that night though was when Hudson would ask me a question that has really stuck with me. That night as I was helping him get ready for bed he asked, "Mom what happened to the boy?". He was genuinely concerned and asked why he went away. My heart sank. My four year old little boy was sad and had been trying to process this news internally. He was always so sure of there being a boy and a girl even before I even knew we were having two babies. He was four years old. I don't feel like this is typical for a little boy his age. He's five now and he hasn't asked about the little boy that he felt was supposed to come ever since, but I don't think that I will ever forget our conversation. 

Part of me wonders if I'm looking too hard into this and that this doesn't mean anything at all. I wonder if I'm using this as an excuse to not close the door all the way on completing our family even though there is no part of me that ever wants to be pregnant again. I really don't. I feel content with five kids. I'm really excited about the idea of never getting pregnant again and to finally feel like I can have my body just be mine again. I think of how amazing it is to just end with the twins and be done. But every so often that memory of Hudson asking "what happened to the boy?" creeps in and I can't help but wonder. I think about my dream of triplets and again wonder. Was the third baby a boy? 

I feel done and I want to be done. On a scale I'm 99.9% sure I'm done. Danny is at a 110% done. I highly doubt I will ever be pregnant again and we're planning on a vasectomy soon. So tonight as I said my prayer I told God all of my feelings and asked that if there was supposed to be one more if he could send him to a good home and hopefully down the road he can marry into my family. I know this all sounds so crazy and I feel a little crazy praying for a little boy/spirit that probably was never meant to be mine to begin with. Honestly I don't think we could survive another baby. The twins are still only nine weeks old and we haven't slept since they got here so I know I'm tired and most likely thinking too much about this. I do know that Danny is very done. After tonight though I think I'm going to feel better about it all. I finally said it out loud to Danny, I wrote down my thoughts here and I laid it all out for God. That's really all I can do right now. Good night.