This week has been a bit emotional and stressful but such is life. It started Tuesday when I went to my thirty one week appointment. I was expecting it to be quick. I was under the impression that it would just be a thirty minute non stress test but that did not turn out to be the case. I first had an ultrasound done and both babies were looking good as far as blood flow which is great. I'm not sure what they are measuring this week but hopefully there's been some weight gain there. After the ultrasound the nurse said the specialist would be in and that's when the visit turned even more real for me. She came in and asked if I had been talked to about scheduling the delivery date. I told her I hadn't been talked to about that yet and she said well it looks like we'll be scheduling you for 34 weeks. Ahhh! My eyes must have gotten big because she asked "you really weren't told?". NO! That's only three weeks away! I felt panic and asked why so early and she said that she'd be right back after looking at my chart again. Once she returned she informed me that the notes actually read that these babies are to be delivered anywhere from 32 to 35 weeks. That was even more stressful to hear because at first I was freaking out about potentially delivering in three weeks and now it can be as early as next week?? I don't feel ready for this. Danny is super stressed out because he has some requirements to complete to stay in the PhD program that he only has a matter of weeks to achieve it and I just assumed these babies would be here after his already stressful situation at school. 35 weeks would put their delivery date around February 23rd and it sounds like that is the latest date according to the notes in my chart. After talking a little more with the specialist she decided it would be best to wait until my growth scan on these babies on February 9th. That's my 33 week appointment and that's when we're hoping to see progress on their sizes. If they are progressing then we will strive to keep them in longer, but if they are not then we'll look to schedule something for soon after due to growth restriction. The fear of delivering them just a week away is greater at this point because they would still be really small and their best chance is to stay in for at least another two weeks. I'm so stressed about the unknown of all this. I would love to avoid nicu time but I don't know that this will be possible. My own personal goal now is to make it to March 1st where I'd be close to 36 weeks and hopefully they will be more ready to meet the outside world. It's all scary though.
After that room I was taken to another room for the non stress test. Since we don't know exactly how early we'll be meeting our girls the specialist wanted me to start my first dose of steroid shots to help jumpstart some lung development for these babies. The shot hurt a little but I'll do anything to help give these girls a better fight once they're here. Then the monitoring started and after forty five minutes I was thinking I would be going home soon. At that point I had already been there for a couple hours and I was ready to get back home. There were a couple of times when the nurse and the specialist both would ask me if I was feeling any of the contractions that the monitor was showing. I wasn't. But apparently they were happening. Just like the whole appointment had been going I was in for another surprise. Apparently Baby A's heart rate wasn't going as smooth as the specialist would like to see and there was a sudden drop that concerned her so I was sent to labor and delivery for additional monitoring. I was crushed and felt defeated. I just wanted to go home. I called Danny on my way to L&D to give him an update and to let him know I would still be gone for a couple more hours and at first he thought I was trying to prank him because I had already been gone such a long time. But nope it was real and once I was in the hospital gown and in my labor room I sent him a picture that might have freaked him out a little.
I think he was worried that it was actually going to happen that day and he was going to miss it. Thankfully that wasn't the case and eventually I did get to go home that night. All looked good with both babies and I'm still not super sure why the additional monitoring was needed. Danny could tell that I was feeling really down and sent me this message while I was there,
"Okay, first off you look great! Second, calm down. Listen to these people, they know more than you in the terms of this stuff. It might seem overboard, but think of it as making sure these little girls come out safe and sound. Their ultimate goal is safe healthy babies. They have probably seen things like a drop in heart rate or blood pressure for a few seconds where things quickly go south. They are being safe, accept it."
I needed that message to help me snap out of my mood. I was in denial and didn't want to even think of these babies coming any earlier than the month of March. Reality is though they they could and might.
I was told to come in the next day for my second dose of the steroid shot. I was told that it would take under ten minutes so the plan was to pick up Danny from BYU when I went to get Addie from kindergarten and then he'd wait in the car with the three kids while I ran in. I should have expected that this again would not be the case. I waited in the lobby for almost two hours while the kids were in the car with Danny. I think frustration was felt by everyone and I felt so bad because I really didn't think it would take so long. My emotions came flooding out and I just started crying in the waiting room. This is all so stressful right now that I almost wish I could have someone to talk to who knew about our twin pregnancy. I got the second dose and finally got to join my family. Thankfully everyone could see how upset I was feeling so they all reassured me that the long wait was okay. It wasn't anyone's fault but I still felt guilty. I took Danny back to school where he could try to get some last things finished but I know that all the time being taken away from his schooling right now because of doctor visits could take a toll on him and I'm nervous about that. Since the day was already over I went home and fixed something quick for the kids to eat and Danny surprised me with take out food for the two of us to eat once he got home. Honestly I'm really thankful for him especially this week.
That night we decided to send Rand and Ashley an update since they do know about the twins.
"We just wanted to send you two an update since you guys are still the only ones in the family that knows. I'm over 31 weeks now but the girls are measuring small and because of growth restriction might be delivered anywhere from 32 to 35 weeks. Right now the next milestone is to make it to February 8th to see if there's been progress with growth. If not something might be scheduled for shortly after that. If we could have our wishes come true we'd last until the first week of March which would be 36 weeks. No matter what it looks like they will be earlier than either of us want and nicu time is a possible given. Would it still be okay for our kids to hang out at your house for whenever it happens? Since the babies will most likely not be staying in the hospital room with me we plan on Danny being home for bedtime with our kids so we're not asking for an overnight and we can figure out childcare from there. The medical team feels confident that we should be able to plan on a day once they see if progress happens or not so it shouldn't be an emergency situation and we'd be able to give some type of a heads up. Also thank you for still keeping this between us for the time being. We know it's probably not the easiest secret."
I'm really thankful that we decided early on to let someone in on our surprise and I'm happy that it's Rand and Ashley. Of course they replied that they'd be more than willing to help in any way we need and for us to not hesitate to ask them.
This week has been a bit emotional for me personally and now I'm feeling the urge to really prepare a hospital bag a lot earlier than I was planning to. I have not slept great for the last three nights and I'm definitely feeling exhausted these days. Every now and then I start feeling some back pains as well and I don't know if those are contractions or not but they never get to be overly unbearable so I'm not too worried about that. I do hope they aren't signs of back labor though. On top of all of this going on I also had an emotional night last night for completely different reasons but it was a night that needed to happen. I had a video call with my parents last night after the kids were all in bed and we were able to discuss some feelings from our past that needed to be addressed for some healing to take place. I had been preparing myself for this call throughout the whole week and it turned out really well. There was some crying that happened but there was also a lot of understanding that took place between all three of us which was really good. They had no idea why I first initiated this meeting but I'm glad that they agreed to it and we were able to get it done. I really wanted to get rid of any hard feelings especially before these babies arrived and we were able to reach a really good place. I slept the best last night than I have this whole week which feels awesome.
Even though this week I have been feeling all the feels I do want to highlight something great that happened yesterday as well. We paid off our van! It feels incredible and I'm happy that we were able to do it in just over two years instead of five. Of course we won't be able to experience life with no car payments for very long because now we have to really get serious about purchasing a van that will fit all five car seats, but it still feels good to get that first step of paying off the van we do have done!
This week probably felt extra emotional for me because of the pregnancy hormones on top of it all but I'm thankful for the peace I'm feeling today. It's now Friday and almost the weekend and I feel recharged and ready for the next thing that will be thrown our way. I pray that these babies can stay in me for as long as it's beneficial for them health wise and if we do get to meet these girls sooner than expected I trust in the care they will receive.
